Have you ever felt empty or lost? Almost like you're invisible and nobody would notice if you just disappeared? You cry out for help yet no help comes? Yeah. A vast portion of my life as been just that. There are so many non-Christian feelings and thoughts that I fight within because of those times. When I ask for help and they renege because something better to do comes along. Leaving me stranded and alone. It's hard for me to trust someone and way too easily for that trust to get lost after acquiring it. So many people know my face yet how many really see me? How many people look past the "freak" that I appear to be and really see the person inside? There is someone inside and my blood is just as red as anyone else's.
It's so easy to hide behind a smile, to say everything is okay when my back is hurting so bad that I almost pass out from the pain. But to let down those walls, let people see the weakness and fragility of what I really am. There aren't many people that I allow to see me cry, unless they are happy tears from someone giving their life to Christ (it's hard not to cry over something so emotionally exhilarating), I sometimes wonder if people know that it is possible for me to do just that. How many know how humiliating it is for me to admit that I hurt or need help? It is a true struggle for me to even approach someone and ask for help. I HATE BEING THE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!!! I'd rather be the damsel saving my prince's butt. Not that my vision is biblical, it's probably just the opposite. I don't want to be seen as weak and incapable.
There are times when I doubt God. Not because He has done anything to make me doubt Him but because it isn't being done in MY time frame. I get impatient and weary waiting. I continue to serve Him, that is what one does for someone that they love. But when things get tough I just wish that I had someone to walk through it with me. Another imperfect human that would love me. God's love should and usually is sufficient. Most of the time I do love being single and the thought of losing it terrifies me. However, when I am hurting and suffering, it would be nice to have someone hold me and remind me that God is here and He is overseeing everything. Ruth got Boaz but during times like these, I don't feel pretty or strong enough to ever have anyone. But if that is what God demands of me, then so be it.
Perhaps it took being in so much physical pain to get me to start exposing who I really am. That I can love The Oakland Raiders, Mozart, Shakespeare, Def Leppard, Skillet, X-Men, fishing, hiking, ballet, and even the opera. And still be completely me. To remind myself that even if nobody else sees me, God does. No where in the bible does it say that God loves the world...except Colleen. It's that God loves the world...Period. No exceptions. He sees us all and He loves us all. There are times when I get mad at God for making me who I am, but when I really think about it-who else would I be? It's not always fun or easy but I really don't think I would want to be anyone else.
Thank you Lord for getting me out of this funk. My back still hurts but my spirit is already healing.
Love ya God.
God Bless and remember to always be Snakebirds.
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